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exercising my way to a lazier me.

Posted by A PRINCESS ON A BUDGET on 6:54 PM in
I went running today. 

And by running, I really mean jogging. 

Okay, it really wasn't jogging so much as walking at a really really really slow leisurely pace.

But don't you judge me, Judge Judy. 

Because I almost got murdered today. 

By a hawk. A red-faced hawk. Or maybe it was an eagle. Or a falcon. Or a vulture! CRAP.

Whatever.

It was a HUGE bird. 

And it was following me the entire time. 

Except not really, because I started running and waving my hands like a crazy madwoman which probably freaked my neighbors out but hey, you do what you have to do. 

So yea, the bird eventually stopped following me because it got scared. Or maybe it just had better things to do like find other food sources that didn't run around screaming "Killer bird on the loose! Killer bird on the loose!" while throwing rocks at them*. 

Yup.

Anyhoodle, I got home and decided that taking walks around my neighborhood might not be the safest option for a delicate flower like me, what with killer birds and flying insects running loose. 

But because I'm determined to get in shape lose 15 lbs not be Huffy McPuffy everytime I go up a flight of stairs, I looked up other exercise options I could do within the comfort of my own bed safe confines of my home. 

Lookie-here what I found. *clapping hands giddily*

1) The Face Trainer for my face. Yes, you heard me right. MY. FACE. Ellen Degeneres' producer demonstrates the product way better than any infomercial or customer testimonial could ever do, so I'm posting that. Abso-fucking-lutely hilarious! And yes, I'm getting one. 

  
2) The Rio Neck Toner for my neck and chin. Nuff said.  

3) The Shake Weight for my biceps and triceps. This could either be really sensual or really offensive, depending on how you look at it. And hey, it's got a his and hers model! Per-fuck-to!

For women:

For men:

4) The Easy Curves for my chest. Of course, I'm doing this with only a bra on. That's the whole point!


5) The Hawaii Chair for my abs. This could totally work, except I don't sit still long enough for it to actually work. Except when I'm in the toilet. Yes, someone should invent a Hawaii Toilet! Except crap would splatter all over which would be gross.


6) The Flex Belt for my abs. You know, since the Hawaii chair might not be enough to turn my 1-pack into a 6-pack by the time summer rolls around the corner of I-found-the-perfect-bikini Road and I'm-too-chunky-to-wear-it Avenue. 


7) The 3-minute Legs for my legs and buns. Hell to the yeah.  


8) The Kegel + Smart Balls for my vagaloo. Ob-vious-ly, my lady bits get exercise, too. By the highway, Mr. Kegel looks mighty creepy. Just sayin. 


So, there you go. A full body workout without leaving your bedroom! You're welcome. 

* Oh, relax PETA. I was exaggerating. I didn't actually throw rocks at the killer bird. In "fight or flee" situations, I always choose the latter. I'm an animal lover like that. No, not really. Clearly, I'm just a big wuss. Whatever.

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1 Comments


I'm scared of that last one...

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