Dear Future Me,

So, it was raining again in SoCal  today. Phooey. Because it was kinda getting me down, I decided I needed a pick me up. And what better way for someone to pick me up to make myself feel better than with another round of deliciousness? As always, cue the music . . .



1) Christopher Whitelaw Pine

     This guy singlehandedly changed the lives of Trekkies the world over because when Star Trek came out, being a geek was suddenly cool again not so lame anymore. And if it was anyone else who had parents crazy enough to name their son Whitelaw, I would have laughed my a** off at him but really, it just adds to the abundance of sexiness that this guy already has. Plus, he owns the bluest eyes I have ever seen on a human being. Keep up the good work, Mr. Pine, and may the force be with you. Oh, sh*t, wrong movie.

2) Tobias Vincent Maguire

     I was surprised to discover that I have only ever seen Mr. Maguire in his Spiderman flicks. How could I have missed Pleasantville and The Cider House Rules and Seabiscuit?! Oh, yeah. They were lamespice. When you think about it, though, him in tight tight TIGHT red and blue tights are more than enough for me. Besides, he's Leonardo di Caprio's bestie. And you know how I feel about besties, Future Me. I have to warn you, however, he's a vegetarian. If that's not a deal breaker, then I don't know what is.

3) Christopher Robert Evans

     Like his character in Fantastic Four, Mr. Evans is def smokin'! Flamer! Or was it Flame on!? Whatever. Also, major props to him for playing a Harvard hottie in The Nanny Diaries and a "mover" in Push. Srsly, who can resist that?! Most important of all, who can forget that pivotal "whipped cream" scene in Not Another Teen Movie? One word. Yum.

4) James Edward Franco

     Although Mr. Franco is mostly known for playing the Harry Osbourne in the Spiderman movies, I think I like him best as the ill-fated Tristan in Tristan + Isolde. You know me, Future Me. Star-crossed lovers hold a special place in my heart. Teehee.

5) Thomas John Patrick Welling

     He's Superman, and he has a size 14 shoe size. That's all you really need to know. *wink*

6) Matthew Joseph Dallas

     I have a confession to make, Future Me. I was obsessed with Kyle XY, like srsly obsessed. I liked the fact that he was "grown" in an incubator until he was 16, and that he had no bellybutton. I liked that he was super smart and unintentionally funny. Mostly, I thought it was cute when he fell in love with the girl next door. Awww. I loved that show so much that, as much as it pains me to admit it now, I joined Save The Tub which  was a group dedicated to prolonging the show's shelf life. Sadly, we failed. The tub is now no more.

7) Jacob Benjamin Gyllenhaal

     Ok, technically Mr. Gyllenhaal's "hero" movie Prince of Persia hasn't come out yet as of this post but I've seen the trailer and oh my god, this boy is hawt! Hollywood should be smart and start giving him more yummy roles. You hear me, Hollywood?! Please stop giving him roles like the one he had on Bubble Boy. He's so so so much better than that.

8) Channing Matthew Tatum

     Yes, he looked amazing in Step Up dancing his little boo-tay around. And he played the part of every girl's dream guy perfectly in Dear John. Le sigh. But in my opinion, Mr. Tatum was at his yummiest when he was playing Duke in GI Joe. Buff guys running around in faux leather body suits = FTW! Yo Joe!

9) Taylor Kitsch

     I first saw Mr. Kitsch on The Covenant, which was this movie about male witches or something like that. It obviously didn't leave an impression on me since I can't even remember what it was about. Plus, if I remember correctly, I didn't really think he was cute in that movie. But after seeing him as Gambit on X-Men: Wolverine, I am definitely craving for more of this guy. Maybe I ought to start watching Friday Night Lights to satiate my appetite until his next movie.

   

So, any of these boys catch your eye, Future Me? If not, don't fret. Like I said, there's still more delish lists to come. See you soon.

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Just a quickie post to share some of my favorite man-mercials of the moment.

1) Miller Lite #1



2) Old Spice #1



3) Miller Lite #2



4) Old Spice #2

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So, I had an interview the other day. It was for a camp counselor position at a very inspiring camp for sick kids here in sunny Cali. Since it was for a volunteer position, I was expecting that this interview wouldn't be as daunting as most interviews are. Thing is, I'm not good at being interviewed. I'm actually pretty bad. Really bad. Let me explain.

As most people who know me know, I have verbal diarrhea. Really severe and intense verbal diarrhea. It's like having uncontrollable poop except that it comes out of my mouth. It's the type that no BRAT diet can keep in check. When I get nervous, I just go on and on and on and on about things, most of them highly irrelevant. I can't keep secrets, and I always end up saying highly improper things. Like that time when I was interviewing for a nursing position and I told the interviewers I was a foley expert. For people who don't know, a foley catheter is a tube you insert into a person's privates to drain the bladder when they can't pee. Can you believe I actually told them I was an expert at that?! And because I got flustered about saying I was an expert at inserting stuff into vaginas and penises, I proceeded to tell them that the first time I inserted a foley, the patient had a seizure and ended up peeing all over me. Way to impress the interviewers, you foley expert you. But hey, because they ended up giving me the job, I guess the interviewers thought I was charmingly inappropriate instead of just being inappropriately inappropriate. I just wish pharmaceutical companies would invent Immodium for this kind of diarrhea, though. That would hopefully lower the number of shitty sticky situations I get myself into.

Another problem is that I get super colloquial when I talk to people, regardless of how formal the conversation is supposed to be. Like, I have this annoying habit of saying like 573849 times in, like, a 10-minute conversation. Srsly. Maybe it's because I, like, live in LA. It's really, like, annoying. And not only that. I also say ummm a lot which is already quite intolerable in everyday conversation, but is a huge no-no during interviews. What drives me mad (and other people I suspect) most of all about the way I talk is that I frequently end my sentences with so. I really have no idea why I do this. It's disconcerting and quite honestly very confusing for those who hear it because it's like hearing a story with no ending. I guess I'm just really frustrating that way so . . .

Oh, I'm not done yet. I also can't keep eye contact. I have shifty-eyes syndrome. Yes, I made that up but I think it should be a real medical condition. I'm like Crazy Eyes from that Mr. Deeds movie, except I'm way cuter and I don't drive a red Corvette. I get really uncomfortable looking people in the eyes for longer than 5 seconds. It's not like I'm hiding anything. I'm not. Like I told you, I can't keep secrets due to my previously mentioned verbal diarrhea. I can't explain it. I just can't look people in the eye for too long, especially when they're expecting me to be my own pimp and tell them how amazeballs I am, which is pretty much what interviews are.

Add to the abovementioned factors the fact that when I'm nervous, I blush bright-red, I wave my hands around so much it rivals Michael Flatley's Lord of the Dance routine, and I get teary-eyed. Oh, and I stutter. It's not pretty. Not pretty at all. Ugggh.

So now you understand why I loathe going to interviews. It's embarrassing really, both for me and the interviewer. Obviously, interviews and me just don't go well together. Luckily, the one I had a few days ago was over the phone. She didn't have to pay witness to my awkward and eccentric tendencies.

And yes, since you asked, I did get the job. Now all I have to do is be charming and funny during orientation. Too bad nobody does phone orientations because that's another situation I could really use some help on. I guess I'm just socially awkward in general. *sigh* You know what, let's not get into it. I think it's better to leave that topic for another day.

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My preceptor's a witch. Ok fine, she's not. Not really. Maybe sometimes. Well, yeah, she kinda is. In a passive-aggressive kind of way.

Don't get me wrong. She's a great nurse. She knows everything. I mean everything. Probably because she's been a nurse since the history of forever. Like 20 years or so.

The thing is, because she knows everything, she expects me to know everything too. Which totally sucks balls because it's not fair. For crying out loud, lady, I'm a new freaking nurse! This is my first nursing job, and I've been orienting for 4 freaking days. That means as of right now, I don't know sh*t.

I can't just magically know how to change the inner cannula on a trach. Or how to change the tube feeding for a patient. I don't even know how to give report to the next nurse or how to put in an order for a missing med. I will definitely forget to chart something once in a while. And I will use a red pen when I can't find any other pen to use. I'm not supposed to know that patients on a full liquid diet need not order from the hospital menu because dietary services just sends them a tray. And I sure as hell can't know where to get extra pillows.

So please stop it with the passive aggressiveness. Please don't insinuate that I'm stupid just because I can't handle 2 patients on my own during my 4th (yes, FOURTH) day of orientation when the normal load is 5 patients to 1 nurse. Please don't roll your eyes when I ask you questions on where to find things because despite what you might think, I don't have free time to go around the unit to check where everything is. I'm too busy taking care of my patients. Please don't make comments about me not listening to morning report because I would've heard everything if I didn't have to go get a new worksheet because you spilled coffee all over the one I was working on. Lastly, please don't assume I'm the smartest person in the world just because I have 2 degrees. I can't be. That's impossible because I'M A NEW NURSE!

Lady, it took you 20 years to know everything you know right now. Don't expect me to be at your level. Because I'm not.

Give me 20 years. Maybe then, I'll know as much, if not more, than you.

Or maybe then, I'll be your nurse when you're battling old age and you'll regret that you were too busy going on an ego trip to teach me anything real.

On second thought, I don't want to be at your level if it means being exactly like you. I won't be like you. I choose not to be like you. I choose to be a better nurse. And a better person.

I'll see you tomorrow bright and early.

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So, remember that post I did about how excited I was because I finally found the PERFECT wishbone pendant?! Yea, well, I just read this post over at More Is Better (whose blog, by the who, is super kick-ass) about wishbone necklaces. Apparently, wishbones are the exact shape of a girl's vagina. Yup, you read it right. A girl's VAGINA. Her twat . . . cunny . . . coochie . . . front butt . . . quim . . . hump muffin . . . cockpit . . . hot pocket . . . johnson juicer . . . piss flaps. . . honey hole. Call it what you want, it's around my neck. And, oh holy hell, I wear it everywhere. I wear it to work. And at the mall. And when I go out with friends. And at church! Oh sh*t, I wear it to church. What the freak?! I hope God is not up-to-date with fashion do's and don'ts because He will definitely not be happy with me wearing a va-jay-jay necklace to mass.                                                                                                         

dude, you have a vagina on your shirt.

There's something that bothers me about this whole thing, though. If I'm displaying my muff for all the world to see, how come I'm still involuntarily celibate? Huh. It truly boggles the mind.      
                                                                                                             

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Actually, Valentine's Day this year wasn't as dreadful as I thought it would be. It was . . . okay. I actually had a date. Granted it was my mom, but still. Madear's in SoCal for a visit so I decided to take her out on a "date". We ate at Brent's Delicatessen for lunch and holy-moly was it good! One of my good friends has been absolutely raving about this place, and now I understand why.

my pastrami reuben sandwich and mom's ultimate omelette. yum.

After lunch, I convinced Madear to watch Percy Jackson with me. I love her unquestioning acceptance every time her 30-year-old daughter acts like a 10-year-old boy. Mothers and unconditional love, what can I say? Surprisingly, she liked the movie! My mom's cool like that. She did say that she didn't think kids should be allowed to see it because it was a bit scary at times, especially everytime PJ had to use his super cool pen against monsters of various forms, shapes and sizes (I'm looking at you, Uma Thurman!). I suppose she has a point. I still get chills whenever I remember the half-horse half-Pierce Brosnan creature. Scary indeed.

dear hippie who looks nothing like 007, please don't haunt my dreams. kthanxbye.

I liked the movie. I mean, it was no Harry Potter but it was good enough to waste my time on hold my attention for 1 and a half hours. I noticed they changed a few pertinent things from the book, though. That was probably my only issue with it. That and the hippie creature I mentioned earlier. *shudder*

When I got home, I went on Twitarded and saw this . . .

It got me so excited I squeed. Out loud. A bunch of times. Then I realized how pathetic it was that a Rob collage (a Roballage) was the best thing about my Valentine's Day this year. How sad is that?!

Anyhoo, I was determined not to be a bitter single chick who rolls her eyes at couples and makes singles-awareness-day jokes this year like I was last year. I think I succeeded. Any eye-rolling and snarky jokes were kept inside my head.

Besides, I had a new VD motto this year. Better no romance than a bad romance. That's a little Gaga-ism for you.

I am glad VD is coming to an end this year. Hopefully, next year's VD will be better especially since I've pretty much been lowering my standards bit by bit every year. Really, my only requirement right now is that everytime a guy walks towards me, it should be in slow motion. I mean, how hard could it be?! Edward Cullen does it.

So 'til we meet again next February, Valentine's Day. I'll be watching you. Rah-rah ah ah ah roma romama gaga ooh la la . . . want your bad romance!

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Since today is Hearts' Day, I decided I was going to celebrate by checking the interwebs for the most visually challenging (read: ugliest) HD gifts to ever be invented. For future reference, if anyone dares to give me any of these, I will hurt you. I'm not kidding. Here they are, in no particular order . . .

1) Coupons - Love coupons, hug coupons, kiss coupons, date coupons, massage coupons - basically coupons of any kind - are lame. This just lets your lady love feel that she's not important enough for you to make an effort at getting her an actual gift. My advice? Go get her an actual gift.

2) GPS Lingerie - If it wasn't obvious yet, we would rather not shell out money for undies with GPS devices that allow techno-savvy stalkers to find us. No, thank you.

3) The Chocolate Scale - Because we love it when our SOs remind us that we need to stop stuffing our faces with chocolate. Sweet.

4) Elephant Poo Roses - I have 3 issues with this one. First, they're roses . . . and I HATE ROSES. Second, they're paper roses. Third, they're paper roses made of elephant dung. Think about it.

5) The It's-not-a-ring-but-it's-close-enough Mug - Wow. Just wow. Nothing says "I still need time to decide if you're really The One" more than giving the woman you're with this mug. And the packaging just amazes me. Way to get her hopes up one second, then break her heart the next. Nice going, big guy.

6) The Boyfriend Pillow - Believe me, giving this to your girlfriend so you'd have more time to play video games 'til the wee hours of the morn isn't going to fly. Trust.

7) The Bone Ring - If you want to buy your girl a ring and you can't spare a gazillion dollars, why not give her a ring made from your own bones? Yes, you heard me. Your bones! A laboratory in UK takes a bone sample from you, grows it to form more bone, then forms it into a ring. Your only problem is to decide which bone you don't need.

8) Footed Jammies - Oh my God, what the heck is this?! Do me a favor. Get up, drive to the store where you got this repulsive "gift", and return it. You'll thank me for it. Oh and one more thing, never ever ever buy matching couple stuff. Just don't. It wasn't cute in high school, and it's sure as heck not cute now.

9) Hug E Gram - Much like the Boyfriend Pillow above, it just boggles the mind how there's a market out there for this. And just so you know, the Mickey Mouse hands don't help. Not at all.

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These last 2 are not really that bad but please, for the love of all that is holy, do NOT give these on HD. Just look at their commercials. Major lamespice.

Pajama Grams - Because everyone knows that pajamas make us women feel all giddy inside (note the sarcasm). And yeah, we'll always think of you when we put them on . . . as the idiot who gave us pajamas on Hearts' Day.

Vermont Teddy Bear - Because what woman over 15 would not want a teddy bear?! Ugggh. And holy heck, the guys in the commercial are dorks! Just sayin.

HAPPY HEARTS' DAY, EVERYONE!

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Teehee.

I wasn't able to buy the st*pid shirt so I won't be one of the lucky ones to get Paul Wesley's Ian Somerhalder's the cast's autographs, but I'll definitely be there for the Q&A. Watch out, boys. I bite.

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Just like every single time I'm at an important event, my camera decides to up and die on me. Ok, fine. I probably shouldnt blame my st*pid camera. I may be a little at fault here since I did forget to charge it. But still. It really should've reminded me that it was running low, ya know? Anyhoo, because of this unfortunate circumstance, I had to make do with using my phone to take pics hence the blurry shots.

waiting impatiently for the cast to arrive

         

yep, they're fans alright. oh, to be a tween again.

        a fine frenzy was amazing                

   

I had a blast! Except for the parts where my back felt like I've been carrying sacks of rice for hours and I heard ringing in my ears long after I got home, it was fun! We had to wait forever since both Ian and Nina had to fly in from Atlanta. It was definitely worth the wait, though. And, yes, both boys were dreamy. But, no, I did not get an opportunity to bite them. Maybe next time.

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I just woke up from a 10-and-a-half-hour sleep marathon. While to most people this would seem normal, it is very unlike me to be such a sleep monster. You see, I usually sleep for 5-6 hours max, 3-4 if I could get away with it. I do not like sleeping. Seems to me like it's a waste of time. Most people love to sleep or take naps since it rejuvenates them, lets their minds rest, yada yada yada. Frankly, I just think sleeping is annoying. I would much rather do a bajillion other things than sleep. But since I'll probably end up behaving inappropriately if I don't sleep at all, I usually give in to my body's little bother. But I digress.

The reason I slept so soundly (read: was dead to the world) last night was because yesterday was my first day as a floor nurse. I'll have you know that being a nurse is not a walk in the park. Far from it. I got home from a 12-hour shift, ate dinner, and passed out.

A few high-lights and low-lights of my day:

1) I met one of my preceptors yesterday. I'll call him Focker since well . . . he's a Focker, as anyone who's seen Meet the Parents know. Anyhoo, Focker was awesome! He is one of the most patient and nicest nurses I have ever met. All his colleagues and patients adore him. I'm not exaggerating. I was lucky I was assigned to him. Good role models are hard to come by these days.

2) Focker says it wasn't a good day for orientation because our day yesterday was CA-RA-ZY! Even Focker got a bit flustered and he didn't seem like the type. We had 2 discharges, an admit and a patient who passed away aside from our other regular patients. It may not seem much but in the nursing world, that's a killer day from hell.

3) Like I mentioned, one of our patients passed away. We were told at the start of the shift that he was dying so it wasn't really a surprise, and he'd been sick for a long time. Still, it's very sad when that happens. I've never had a patient die on me before so it was a little disconcerting. I personally think it's amazing how nurses are able to still go about their day after losing a patient. No, we're not hard-hearted. We just need to keep it together for the sake of our other patients. And it really irks me when people tell me I'll get used to it. I won't. Honestly, I'd rather I didn't because "getting used to it" would make me less human.

4) Most nurses work 12-hour shifts. According to California law, anything in excess of 8 hours gives an employee one unpaid 30-minute break and two paid 15-minute breaks. For those not in the know, nurses sign a waiver when they're hired saying they're waiving their two 15-minute breaks so all we get for 12 hours is one break. ONE. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. Maybe whining, but not complaining. Totes different. Nurses have been doing this since forever. I'm just explaining why Focker and I didn't get to eat until 2pm yesterday. I was so hungry, I inhaled my food in 10 minutes. No wonder so many nurses have ulcers. Tsk, tsk.

5) I need new shoes. The Reeboks I used during nursing school won't cut it. They just aren't comfy enough to withstand 12 hours of . . . standing. And running back and forth. And lifting. And running again. And more standing. So yeah, my feet died last night. RIP, dear friends. It was fun while it lasted.

Despite the little setbacks I had on my first day, I still stand by what I've always said. I love being a nurse! I love being a part of people's lives, even for just a little bit. I love being able to help them and support them during their worst times. I love knowing that in my own little way, I'm making a difference. I love being part of a group of people who are nothing short of heroes. Becoming a nurse is the best decision I've ever made.

P.S. I'd like to apologize to one of my patients yesterday for having to poke you a million times so we could start an IV. Good thing Focker was there to save the day, huh? Sorry. Bad joke, I know. You were a good sport.

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