football reminds me of bases.

WARNING: Adult Content. That means if you're under 18, bugger off! Unless you can clarify the issue at hand then you can keep reading. But ask your parents first. Cool.

Today's Super Bowl Sunday, and most everyone I know has a Superbowl party to go to. Me? I'm at home typing away. Not because I don't have friends, mind you. I have lots. They're super awesome, too. Mainly because they're friends with me. *snicker* But to go back to the topic at hand, I'm at home because I don't have friends who are football fanatics. Or any who are throwing Superbowl parties. Or maybe no one thought of inviting me to their Superbowl party. Whatever. Before you start feeling bad for me, let me tell you that I really couldn't care less about football. I don't know squat about tackles, punts and touchdowns. All I really care about when I watch a football game is whether or not the quarterbacks are wearing tight pants cute. And whether or not the guy who made the touchdown dances funny. That's it.

Anyhoo, talking about football made me think about baseball. You know, since they're both games with balls and hot sweaty guys. And thinking about baseball made me remember a conversation I had with my friends last month about bases. See, me and my valley girls have a no-holds-barred policy during our girly talks. Each and every topic is fair game. Well, that day, I was telling them about this douche guy that I had made gone out with. And we ended up talking about bases. No, not baseball bases. I meant bases. You know. Sexual bases.

The confusion started when I asked them what exactly the bases were. I mean, everyone knows first base is kissing, right? We all agreed on that. Smack, smooch, French, butterfly, cheek, forehead, eyelid, Freeze, Fruity, Hot and Cold, Nibble, Trickle, Talking, Goodmorning, Goodnight . . . whatever type of kiss, as long as it's above the neck, is first base.

And of course, everyone also knows what a homerun is. You could probably call it a goal or touchdown or slamdunk, depending on what type of sport you like. Bottom line is . . . a homerun is a homerun. No question there.

Thing is, we were all rendered speechless when we started talking about the second and third bases. Surprise, suprise. Not one of us knew what they really were. Wow. How crazy is that?! How sad troubling is it that we were all hot, smart and successful women in our late twenties/early thirties and we didn't know what the middle bases were? We all had two degrees (yes, 2 BACHELOR'S DEGREES!) and we needed clarification when it came to this. NOT. GOOD. So, I'm putting this question out there. What exactly are second base and third base?

Let's start with second base. For me, this is anything done in, on, and around the chest area. But does that include twiddling, fondling, kissing, sucking, over the shirt, under the shirt, over the bra, under the bra, and everything else in between? What about the stomach area? Or the bellybutton area? What about the back area below the neck and above the hips? Is that second base, too? This is all very confuzzling. Someone please tell me. I have to know.

And what about third base? Is that anything and everything done to the lower half of the body, as long as it's not a homerun? So, you can use your oral fissure, your digits, or any other body part to do . . . stuff . . . but as long as his thing isn't in your thing, it's not a homerun? Really?

Like most of our debates, we were never really able to figure this one out. We basically just gave up since none of us knew. If anyone out there can explain the rules to us, you will get our utmost appreciation. Don't expect to steal any bases, though. Not happening.

Oh, and in case you're wondering, I did end up watching the football game today. Don't ask me why but I'm glad the Saints won. My friend says it's because I'm Catholic. Go figure.

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