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phone interviews should be turned into law.
So, I had an interview the other day. It was for a camp counselor position at a very inspiring camp for sick kids here in sunny Cali. Since it was for a volunteer position, I was expecting that this interview wouldn't be as daunting as most interviews are. Thing is, I'm not good at being interviewed. I'm actually pretty bad. Really bad. Let me explain.
As most people who know me know, I have verbal diarrhea. Really severe and intense verbal diarrhea. It's like having uncontrollable poop except that it comes out of my mouth. It's the type that no BRAT diet can keep in check. When I get nervous, I just go on and on and on and on about things, most of them highly irrelevant. I can't keep secrets, and I always end up saying highly improper things. Like that time when I was interviewing for a nursing position and I told the interviewers I was a foley expert. For people who don't know, a foley catheter is a tube you insert into a person's privates to drain the bladder when they can't pee. Can you believe I actually told them I was an expert at that?! And because I got flustered about saying I was an expert at inserting stuff into vaginas and penises, I proceeded to tell them that the first time I inserted a foley, the patient had a seizure and ended up peeing all over me. Way to impress the interviewers, you foley expert you. But hey, because they ended up giving me the job, I guess the interviewers thought I was charmingly inappropriate instead of just being inappropriately inappropriate. I just wish pharmaceutical companies would invent Immodium for this kind of diarrhea, though. That would hopefully lower the number of shitty sticky situations I get myself into.
Another problem is that I get super colloquial when I talk to people, regardless of how formal the conversation is supposed to be. Like, I have this annoying habit of saying like 573849 times in, like, a 10-minute conversation. Srsly. Maybe it's because I, like, live in LA. It's really, like, annoying. And not only that. I also say ummm a lot which is already quite intolerable in everyday conversation, but is a huge no-no during interviews. What drives me mad (and other people I suspect) most of all about the way I talk is that I frequently end my sentences with so. I really have no idea why I do this. It's disconcerting and quite honestly very confusing for those who hear it because it's like hearing a story with no ending. I guess I'm just really frustrating that way so . . .
Oh, I'm not done yet. I also can't keep eye contact. I have shifty-eyes syndrome. Yes, I made that up but I think it should be a real medical condition. I'm like Crazy Eyes from that Mr. Deeds movie, except I'm way cuter and I don't drive a red Corvette. I get really uncomfortable looking people in the eyes for longer than 5 seconds. It's not like I'm hiding anything. I'm not. Like I told you, I can't keep secrets due to my previously mentioned verbal diarrhea. I can't explain it. I just can't look people in the eye for too long, especially when they're expecting me to be my own pimp and tell them how amazeballs I am, which is pretty much what interviews are.
Add to the abovementioned factors the fact that when I'm nervous, I blush bright-red, I wave my hands around so much it rivals Michael Flatley's Lord of the Dance routine, and I get teary-eyed. Oh, and I stutter. It's not pretty. Not pretty at all. Ugggh.
So now you understand why I loathe going to interviews. It's embarrassing really, both for me and the interviewer. Obviously, interviews and me just don't go well together. Luckily, the one I had a few days ago was over the phone. She didn't have to pay witness to my awkward and eccentric tendencies.
And yes, since you asked, I did get the job. Now all I have to do is be charming and funny during orientation. Too bad nobody does phone orientations because that's another situation I could really use some help on. I guess I'm just socially awkward in general. *sigh* You know what, let's not get into it. I think it's better to leave that topic for another day.
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Another problem is that I get super colloquial when I talk to people, regardless of how formal the conversation is supposed to be. Like, I have this annoying habit of saying like 573849 times in, like, a 10-minute conversation. Srsly. Maybe it's because I, like, live in LA. It's really, like, annoying. And not only that. I also say ummm a lot which is already quite intolerable in everyday conversation, but is a huge no-no during interviews. What drives me mad (and other people I suspect) most of all about the way I talk is that I frequently end my sentences with so. I really have no idea why I do this. It's disconcerting and quite honestly very confusing for those who hear it because it's like hearing a story with no ending. I guess I'm just really frustrating that way so . . .
Add to the abovementioned factors the fact that when I'm nervous, I blush bright-red, I wave my hands around so much it rivals Michael Flatley's Lord of the Dance routine, and I get teary-eyed. Oh, and I stutter. It's not pretty. Not pretty at all. Ugggh.
So now you understand why I loathe going to interviews. It's embarrassing really, both for me and the interviewer. Obviously, interviews and me just don't go well together. Luckily, the one I had a few days ago was over the phone. She didn't have to pay witness to my awkward and eccentric tendencies.
And yes, since you asked, I did get the job. Now all I have to do is be charming and funny during orientation. Too bad nobody does phone orientations because that's another situation I could really use some help on. I guess I'm just socially awkward in general. *sigh* You know what, let's not get into it. I think it's better to leave that topic for another day.
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